Time to Face My ADHD Demon

I've known about my ADHD for over 20 years, but today I am finally facing head-on what has probably been the toughest lingering aspect of my condition.  I'm expecting this to be a journey, so please come along for the ride.  Maybe we can help each other.

I had a hard talk with my manager yesterday.  If you are a person with ADHD, you've probably had a few of these yourself.   My manager is a good person and he is focused on developing his people.  He gives honest feedback.  The feedback hurts at times, but the thing about hurt is that is shows us a place where I can heal.   Yesterday, I received feedback that after a year at my job, people are noticing I have a hard time focusing on my main work, and this is standing in the way of my progress.

Flashback: 

A few years ago I was let go from my job at Facebook.   I had worked hard, but the work I took on did not fit my strengths and so my results did not compare favorably with those of my peers at review time.   After two "meets most" reviews, I was fired by computer.   Facebook works hard to raise awareness among their employees about Imposter Syndrome, and yet I could not help thinking on that day as I walked out their doors, and many other days since,  "Sometimes you are the imposter."  

Fast forward to yesterday:

The things my manager told me took me back to that Facebook moment; and not only that moment, but to the hundreds like it throughout my career, schooling, and childhood.   Remembering these gave me a sinking feeling in my heart and put debilitating thoughts in my head:  worthless, stupid, incapable.  I pushed these aside to continue the conversation.   I tell my manager a little about ADHD and what that means in terms of strengths and weaknesses.  This seemed hard for him to understand, but he's trying and as we talked more we arrived on an concept that overlaps both of our understanding:  self-esteem.  

I think virtually all human beings struggle with self-esteem to a degree, however there are distinct patterns of low self-esteem for people with ADHD.   Consider the following:
  1. A person with ADHD is interest driven.  This means a person with ADHD will:
    1. start many projects they never finish.  
    2. follow tangents
    3. procrastinate
    4. constantly move
    5. miss details in favor of big pictures

  2. Most Schooling, Work, and even parenting is results driven.  Punishments, rewards, grades, rank, and prizes are doled out to help motivate work on boring tasks, but these standard measures don't work well with an ADHD mind. 
     
  3. Most people with ADHD grow up in a vacuum of knowledge about it.  Often the person does not know that they have ADHD, and they are regularly surrounded by peers and adults who don't know about it.   

  4. People with ADHD, moved by their interests, struggle navigating a results driven world.  Authorities and peers notice the "failures" and will try to correct them.  They will frequently punish the lack of results, and will offer advice in the form of desired behaviors:  "sit still", "listen", "focus", "try harder".     Telling a person with ADHD to sit still and listen is about as effective as telling a blind person to squint or get some glasses.  

  5. A lifetime of not meeting other's expectations, trying and failing to follow advice, and receiving punishments in spite of best efforts-- this creates an environment corrosive to self-esteem.   

  6. Lack of self-esteem makes it harder to ask for the strongest power-play for a person with ADHD: interactive help. Live back-and-forth with a human being will anchor focus and provide the learning that will generate interest in a topic.   A person with low self-esteem with ask for help less and less, creating a downward spiral.  
I realized yesterday that I have never dealt with my deep-seated feeling of unworthiness when it comes to asking for help.   This unworthiness comes in a few flavors:
  1. I have not done enough searching on my own to "deserve" the help.  In school, if I didn't do the reading or the homework, I believed I would be rebuffed for asking.  At work, if I have waited too long to get started, I feel embarrassed to go back and ask for details because the person will discover I've been procrastinating.  

  2. My ask is annoying the other person.  I need more interactive help than others, so I quickly overdraw the balance on my "emotional bank account" with my coworkers.  

  3. I am "cheating" if I get help.   I derive value from being an intelligent person, and I have somehow convinced myself that if I accomplish a thing with help, then somehow this does not really count.  
OK, so now what?

Now it is time to do a little research.  This post is my plea for help, and signals I am ready to learn more about esteem building and about the cognitive therapies that work.   After that, I'll shift into a phase of therapy and practice where I try out stuff and report on my progress.     

Please share your thoughts in the comments and of course share this post if you think this will help someone you know who might be looking for their mojo.  


Notes:

Comments

  1. Eric, one thing to consider in my management experience, is that pretty much every single person I've ever managed (including myself) has exactly the same concerns. That isn't to devalue them -- on the contrary, I want you to be aware that you're not alone in these feelings. They're frighteningly common.

    The approach I've found useful is to recognize that the resistance to request for help steps from the fear of being thought stupid/lazy/etc -- exactly the causes you mentioned -- and that that fear is a self-limiting belief. Just like stage-fright, the more you confront it directly the easier it'll get to confront.

    Anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts in this forum - I think this is a discussion that's going to be very helpful to others as well.

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